Hanging by a thread

-- Ahhh, and Blogger decided to eat the post's title, fun fun! Grrr. --


Most people who are mentally ill aren't in a good way. Not collectively. We treat our mentally ill poorly overall. Closing American mental hospitals was a rotten start to this century.

From NPR's review about The Great Pretender; the review concludes:

' The Great Pretender is an essential book, and a plea for the world to come to terms with the way we're treating some of our most vulnerable people. "We are all hanging on by a very thin thread," she writes, "and some of us won't survive our fall." '

She's right. :(

In 1992, I was in one of the last mental institutions that got closed: Clinton Valley Center in Pontiac, Michigan.

MORE hypo-medical stupid...!

Briefly, if possible, but perhaps that's unhelpful... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I've been arguing for some time that my doctors should listen to me on meds*. When it comes to mania and near mania and hypomania and near hypomania -- they don't. In recent years, I've gotten wayyyy too close to all four of those latter stages. Multiple times.

Now, I am starting to enter menopause. That could be the other problem.

Thing is, I just don't know. 

This year, I began having really erratic menses, like nothing I'd have before, and/or normal menses mixed in with crazy throwbacks... as in, blood levels from over a decade ago, or even my first decade of periods!

=-=

July 2018 to now.

It's been nearly a year since I posted last. With four posts last year, and this the first posted in 2019--

The short version of the past year is this: Tiny Cat chose to live inside with us; six months later, he vanished; his family nearly all vanished; I've been struggling with depression for many months...

I did get a new shrink. So that worked out. :) Except for the other problem, which is that I appear to be speeding BACK into effin' hypomania. Again. Not my current doctor's fault, he is very good at working with me, unlike the previous few doctors.

More on my health later...


Looking back, I posted about the cats and our cat colony, so I'm glad I documented it at least. :/ Having one beloved cat disappear, and then not just one more cat, but four more--! It takes a toll on you.

Gatito was just a couple days away from his first birthday, dammit!

I tried not to get close to his cousins -- Shadow had her second litter two years after her first -- but I failed.

I loved Cali, little scamp that she was.  She somehow projected an aura of "small human girl in a pinafore" as she rocketed around.  You could feel her determination as she did whatever she wanted, all the time, and focused intensely on those things. Beautiful little bratling, Cali was. Dammit...

Spring update...

Tiny Cat went missing 13-April-18. Three days before his birthday.

I have a couple blog posts started about Gatito, our Smoky, who was almost a year old.  Short version, we're positive he was rescued by someone who figured he was a cute polite young cat, and that's why there's been no sign of him. He'd always come home before. * 

I hope that person has other cats for him to play with, and takes good care of my baby. I miss him terribly -- we all do.

A horrible and vicious tomcat had been attacking Smoky, and Vee, and pretty much every cat here who wasn't Shadow. The only cat who the Orange Monster could mate with; I call him that rather than constantly cuss, okay?

Experimenting... again.

Lately I've been trying to find an antidepressant, since the depression returned in late summer. Worsening in early fall.

This hasn't proved successful.

Over the past week, since I didn't make it to my doctor's office yet -- I'd had dizzy spells, that seemed a really bad time to be driving -- I tried Vraylar again.

=-=

Yes, by myself. Just like when I stop any of the meds that suck, or make me worse, or ruin my sleep, I stop them myself. Since I react FAST to subclinical doses, this means I'm not waiting days [or weeks] for the doctor to decide. Atypical, but so it goes, and I've been living with my own body and reactions for decades -- they haven't. 

My recent doctors act like if they treat me like I don't have atypical reactions, then I'll respond normally. Not logical, and frankly the opposite of helpful! 

Since these drug reactions stay in my system for far longer than most people [i.e., six months in 2017] it's another reason I don't wait. I cannot. When meds don't work, I'm the one who needs to make that call.

I suspect the doctors I've been seeing hate that. Certainly a few argue with me about reactions I've had, as if denying them means they didn't happen. Man, when I've had hot flashes waking me up multiple times all night, wrecking my sleep -- I was there. 

Don't disparage my experiences! It lacks class. 

The worse thing is that I wasn't basing my experiences on one or two drugs. I was up to ten (10!) just by December 2016. 

=-=

Medical stupid. -_-

[ Written 10-May-17 ]

I'd been wondering about the adverse effects of the second drug my doctor "layered" onto me, as a friend wisely put it.

I'm still having those effects. They appear to cycle.

MANIA may cycle. If a drug is somehow cycling in you, that's perfectly horrible. It shouldn't do that.

I took frickin' Risperdal  Vraylar for three [3!] days. I stopped it myself. Same as the previous drug the doctor tried on me; after barely two weeks on RisperdalVraylar, I realized I was seriously hypomanic.

I stopped taking that and told him why.

[ Edited Feb. 2018: Apparently I mix up these two, maybe because I took two drugs too close together!]

Lists and surviving ADHD...

Instead of blogging about the cats [alas!] or other things, like copyediting or rants... today I'm doing an informational blog post. This is for my reference as well as anyone else, of course. 8)

It's also so I can close more tabs. :b

[This past] Saturday. :)

Yesterday I went to Pentamere Academy of Defense (aka PAoD). It's a local SCA event -- specialized for fencers.

So I got to see my fencing family. 8) I hung out with people I knew and people I didn't. Very cozy.

I learned how to fasten a clasp onto a necklace.  I went to a class about exercises, stretching, and managing pain -- as well as to help you not injure yourself -- taught by two of my dear friends.

In short, it was a good day.

I still want to return to fencing -- I loved fencing so much! Haven't fenced since '08. I plan next to become a marshal in training [MiT] again... We always need marshals.

Ferret syndrome: BAD.

Still having hypomania... as previously reported.

Today I haven't yet eaten, but am not ravenous, a win for me, since the voracious hunger has been waking me up mornings for days now. Over a week, I'd say... possibly up to the last fortnight-plus.

I suspect the meds ramped up my metabolism something fierce.

Dumb meds... AGAIN. :(

First -- do not panic.  (I'm a little panicky, but it's because this is stressful for me.) This too shall pass, I'll be better.


I'm hypomanic.

I stopped my new med this weekend. I was having problems sleeping -- as in sleeping longer, and/or being awakened earlier and earlier. I need sleep, dammit!

Saturday I noticed that I was talking faster, interrupting people (often), which meant I'd have to stop myself and let others finish what they were saying -- or trying to say.

I was doing that again today, at chiro. 8(

Depressive: me.

Something major has been affecting me.

(And I wanted to blog about it for a long time... but focusing is too hard.)

I'm depressive.  

I'm bipolar, and I have been bipolar for decades now.  Not manic, for which I am thankful, but depression has become a much worse problem in my life.  My meds keep me from mania.  

That used to be the most important thing to me, not being manic -- but I can't cope with chronic depression, which is honestly crushing me.

I've been depressive for months, and it has been getting increasingly worse. 

"I don't understand..."

~ Authoritarians and being susceptible ~

I'm reading a fascinating article that's somewhat scary.  It's about people who are afraid, who let themselves be ruled by fear.

Fear that the world will change, that the status quo will change, that The Other will triumph.

The article is about the authoritarian desire to feel safe by "destroying" the threat[s] with a strongman leader, or who claims to be, who promises to do drastic things to "solve" the problems.

Even when they are foolish impossible things offered as solutions.

Depression: Robin, James, and me.

Robin Williams's death: a reminder that suicide and depression are not selfish by Dean Burnett.  This is a great piece, and if you don't understand depression, do read it.  If you think suicide is selfish, do read it.

And if you want to understand me, or anyone who is depressive, again... please read it.

Lynn Flewelling also blogged about depression and Robin Williams.

This is about Robin, who died, and James, who got married Saturday (see post on my SH fan blog) and mostly me.

September 2014 update.

Almost every year I write a post about September being my anniversary month... and this marks the seventh year of my freelancing as a copy editor.  How's that?

Working from home limits your in-person social interactions -- no workplace with people you see every day -- and that lack has affected me whenever I was depressive.  Like now.

I need to make various changes so my career and my business both continue successfully.  And I want to be healthy.  I don't want depression or anything else to bog me down.


You can tell a bit about my life and my health by my blogging.  That goes up and down -- sometimes because I'm busy, sure.  In September 2013 I wasn't depressive.  I was motivated and that's part of why so many posts happened.

Normally I'm extremely motivated (Kevin Maroney once said I was "made of energy") so this has been a major problem during 2014.

You need motivation to do simple everyday things, but also for complex tasks like running a business.

The importance of understanding...

I've been thinking about things like this for a while.  Men who get upset about women talking about rape and being afraid.

I'm not afraid all the time.  I had a really bad year when I was afraid.  I was stalked, I was raped, and that messed me up for a very long time.

When you don't know how to articulate things to yourself, don't feel bad when you can't explain them to others either.

I've listened to people say "Well, why didn't you tell me?" or "Why didn't you do...?"


Don't second-guess someone telling you about something traumatic.  Just don't.  It's not helping in any way.  Listen if you can.  If you can't listen, say so.

Saying "I don't understand" is fine.  But trying to rewrite his or her experience isn't.